I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
