I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
