I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
