At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
