party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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