Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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