I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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