So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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