so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
