I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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