a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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