I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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