The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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