I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
