when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
