cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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