She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
that may or may not have been my penis.
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