Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
