Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
