I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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