So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
