you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's on the porch naked. Help.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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