i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
