I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
