Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
false alarm. still invincible.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
