Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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