you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to make out with him forever
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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