Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
