Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
