those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
