At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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