Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize