I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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