I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
