i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
