My cat gives me a boner
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
