I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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