Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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