i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
