Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
