how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
