Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i've created a new STD.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
