Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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