were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
