you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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