I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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