Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
