i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
