My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
