I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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