Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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