My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize