I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
