if i can run in heels then i can drive
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
