HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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