Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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