You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
