when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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