I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
