If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
