3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
this hospital has no fireball
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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