It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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