so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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