Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
