we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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