She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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