I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
