Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
