I'm pants shitting drunk right now
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize