i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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