my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
