i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
