I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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