They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
