This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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