You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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